the girl in me..!!

 …so its 3 more days left…and I am truly gonna miss this gal at 19!! When yet another year comes to an end, proving the old mayans miserably failed in foreseeing the day I am making this post! It’s a mix of all emotions..this is the time I know a cake is getting baked exclusively for me somewhere ( waiting to munch it all alone :P). this month is always special .. the time when the other unseen side of my world would get coloured with snow. When I am busy dreaming a Christmas celebration (this time we had it in my college).. evening when all those carol crew keep ringing the calling bell I am reminded about the year end. Since I already gave up the phenomenon of charting my newyear resolutions I thought of something different. While I was busy watching the queue of films in my own lap ‘ozhimuri’ is the one that forced me to go for this post. The time when I am left to realise the depth of lonliness this movie has ceased my 3 hrs to think, rethink, finally to blog. There have been umpteen number of times ,I stood questioning the ‘nair’ addition to my name. may be too much of pragmatism or the practical city life that brought me against the cast promotion along with my own name. But then again its history that this crowd owns certain duties, trends, values, powers and evolved civilisation so do the other. Perhaps the cinematography that stressed on ‘the travancore nair families’ ( to which I own a passive link)  help digging up the genetic trait of female dominance that every girl of those days own. Adding on to the list of causes is the long waited post by my dear blogger friend (http://kaviithaa.blogspot.in/2012/12/the-little-impossible-things.html). The story of being a girl is not exactly what I wish to reverberate here.                      

              Its quite ironic to realise I belong to this country where  Barkha Dutt  could handle the most toughest crowd of debaters, sagarika gosh could timely update us about the crowd pulling events for a day,  mamtha banerji alone could decide the future of India’s largest public sector, Sonia Gandhi could be ranked above the prime minister for her leadership,mayavadhi could make U.P flooded with her own statues , jayalalitha could run a T.V channel exclusively for self-promotion ( a kind of flattering),  Matha amruthanantha mai could establish an empire in the name of philanthropy, kiran bedi could join anna hasare to protest, Sania mirza could marry a Pakistani, kanimozhi could prove herself a better corrupt than poet,  jaya bachan could cry in parliament, meera kumar could handle the noisy parliamenterians [with a smile], a 23 year old girl could get raped in the capital city, government could sponser her a costly death bed in Singapore , another crowd could gather and gather in the politically sacred landmarks and protest endlessly [this time atleast fearlessly] and I could sit and blog all this.

      

                       Its again astonishing to make me belive I live in this world where Hillary clinton  could administrate the supreme power U.S.A , queen Elizabeth could still be the spotlight, Liu Yandong could  find her place in PB of China  , Malala Yousafzai could win her battle for life  against taliban, benezer bhutto could still remain the heroine of a mysterious assassination ,Kate Williams could steer the fashion world, Michelle Bachelet could become UN leader from Chile’s first female PM, Angela Merkel could continue as the Chancellor of Germany  and I could talk about them 

                    

                              Its either senseless or senseful to  imbibe I am part of a universe where Sunitha Williams could spend days and months alone in outer space and tweet and I could tweet my dream of becoming an astronaut .Talking , blogging, dreaming I may sound no better than an usual girl of this age but the astonishment I share about the ironic time I live atleast reverberates ample sense. I don’t mean myself to be courageous but I m forced to. I don’t mean to be annoyed but I m made to. I  don’t mean to be fearfull but I m asked to. I don’t mean to be powerful but I m taught to. I don’t mean to be cautious but I m none to choose . While quoting all this sensible sensitivities I still don’t dare to travel in the general compartment of kanyakumari – Banglore island express, I will not be spared from the endless stares if I stand alone on a platform, all I still have to think about is the security that enclose my dreams, my thoughts, and finally modulate my ideas.

                            Platitudes is not I ask for rather the opportune right that I m born to enjoy is what I stand for. I don’t let this realisation to an acceptance and hide the shortfall of the society. I can neither be rebellious nor be rebuff the truth. I dream a country where I  can dream, think, talk with no fear of security. I want to be a part of  the  change  that make me in the world of Mahathma Gandhi and no other Gandhi. Perhaps then  I can not just talk but live a world where I am neither above you nor below you but the same as you are.

note: when i made this post hours before i gt lil feedbck n lot f page views.."i can vs can i' was the title then..as always ma lil confidence in the title made this posttitled 'the girl in me'.. and the title courtsy to my friend as well as thefollower with immediate response..thnx!!

my days!!

…

For some reasons the so called sentiments still bound those little little things close to my heart!! Myself being no better in handling the whole idea of sentiments often end  up blaming the  rest ...for sowing the seeds of sentiments within me..this story of sentiments for my home town dates back to the 90s when I was born...born as the first grandchild of both my parents family...recognition for the first grandchild was much greater  in mom's family...or I was more used to those pamperings ...it even has a practical justification of dad being abroad ...wotever I m self contented for all those times and thankful for the so gained privileges….the times lyf mnt nthng bt crying for the toys,with innocent wishes or may be a bit pertinacious ones , with no  never ending regrets, with those  familiar souls in the very familiar house...days when I had space for lot of favourites..the changing seasons , rising sun brought to me the day I had to extend my world to include school...the self oriented first std gal would haughtily  proclaim that big house within the blue gates is my home...my home in all respect the only home I ever loved to be in..the house with 4 big courtyards..the land that owned the short-still-growing jackfruit tree...with all my favourites mango trees within….with my jasmine creepers that first discovered the height of the anonymous tree near the well...the badamtree that shed all its badam every morning for me..and all its big leaves  decorating the courtyard...the akeshya that shed its leaves which for some years let me misinterpret the moon has come to earth in groups to my home….i had never felt boredom  when in those stages ….nor had I discovered a frnd smwr near ..everything in lyf was defined and initiated within the walls of the big  house by the lovely ppl dr..my schooling ..dance classes..music classes..even the talking skills...i never dared quantifying the amount of affection nor care I received coz none in this whole world would ever receive so much….i hav witnessed the ancestry being grown with uprising of my cousins..all inherited the toys that their big sis had once used...for that priority I own I  knw how much they envy...the home that taught me my likes..rooted my views..told me nothing more but to be a human. .hence that was the place  the me today was born and belongs to...may be the sentiments for this land is justified and credited to the hearts there..i can owe nothing less than my whole life for that great loving hearts...thus life was indeed great revolving within this land and its inhibitors...the fate shifted its tone told me its time to end the haughtiness temporarily ...spell bound me had no choice but to obey...from capital city to commercial capital...life  here took turns n twists but the roots of the personality always remained there in that land of mine….with all ma beloved hearts over 300 km away..
                                                           ...the long lost haughtiness now took on its power during every vacations...each tym the train speeds towards trivandrum central through the tunnel near  the SL theatre...my heart rejoice..smile lits up..the joy of reaching my land is beyond words...and the1 hr journey from there I m again the lil gal in that big house within blue gates..my grandma all set in the kitchen with her luuvly child's favo dishes..and me getting the updates of changes that I missed during the other city life... it wud be impossible to find some1 less happy  than me then... busy wandering through the whole place discovering the growth and death of trees and plants,counting the mangoes waiting for me..calculating the tym wn the tall kanikonna blooms..the   number of pomegranate flowers that assure a fruit….the nights... the parijatham wud spread its fragrance making me feel perfectly home .... the never ending talks..games. trespassing into the nearby govt school n using their ground and park as judiciously as possible...finally the fights for sleeping positions and ending on floor than on cot.... to add on the near by aunts and the rest with that expression 'oh mole..u came!!"..in simple words I vl b lost in some other world!!

                                                                                             ..in world where nothing is constant..i too have witnessed the changes...the heights I attained..the attittude that attuned...from lil gal to the long  hair  studious gal..the flat screen t.v replacing the 20 yr old t.v..a modem finding its position below the telephones …the badam tree being uprooted…. the lovely hearts growing older....so is the house..the family getting dispersed into their new homes..n  jus the grandparents who stayed with the ageing house….still festivals celebrations and vacations were in that big home together sharing caring enjoying…its in that designed floor where I stand between my cousins  cutting the cake on every birthdays...grandma mom and aunts busy preparing sadhya..n it’s there I sit on the centre chair of dining posing for photos enjoying the payasam.. in the midst of enjoying my days there I nvea found time to think and plan about tomorrows  or may be the optimism in me nvea let my thoughts go wild..bt smwr  I realised...now  the wooden sealing no longer scared me…I  can   climb up the stairs to the garret all alone…[oh my god that is the only place in the whole house I scared to reach ..each time I manged getting in it was with ma grandma..its then I realise this the place where the worlds biggest pots( for the innosence) were used to store the tamerind ..this is the place were a big garner (pathayam) is kept..this is the place where I could touch the terracotta tiled roof..this is place once I escavated ma mom's childhood fotos while  grandma  was busy catching the lil kitties there….] ..grown enough to own the two-way-entry room when preparing for xamz...when there were so many changes ,certain paramount customs that never shifted its trajectory ..every vacation wud end up there finishing  the mangoes ,not leting the pomegranate to fruit( either me or the rest who pluck all the flowers that grandma had guarded) , celebrating vishu, my birthday, finaly packing all grandma spcls (including my hair oil)..set to depart..i wud hug my grandma cry endlessly  ..not even once in ma whole tvm-ekm journey I remember a smile shadowing my face..i rembr no thought that ever resoned a smile ….

                                       ..the lyf that scurried between the cities were defined by inveterate hope of being home for ever!!  Growth is always an inevitable part of life…that seeked the necessity to change the time shedules  but the sentimental bond in me  already rooted deep in my heart  that nothing could ever make me happy leaving home….once in life time it’s the  same life that ticks the clock with alarm..with no snoozing  its then time to gather the paraphernalia once and for all and put them in the attic of memory!! Here I m in front of the  blue gate opening it ..to see the  same big house  with closed doors..with the canopy of trees crying along with me..i see no familiar faces but the familiar place…I miss my grandma..i miss that smile..i miss that hug… with the heaviness deep in my heart I realise I  have lost the  strength  to haughtily proclaim nor to stay and answer the silence that prevail…. Perhaps its natural, perhaps somthng unusual..room after room I went searching for none..bt maslf..the old smile in me..the strength …the joy…I realise its lost..not much had changed all remained in same old positions..except the people…the jar that still remained in the corner of the shelf had no mango left for me…the pomegranate seems staring at me asking why did u lt me fruit??!!...the bronze statue with skewer still remained near the television..the telephones that once regularly kept calling  countlessly to the other city remained silent…it’s the excruciating silence everywhere....i lost a part of me.. siting in those steps all I cud realise is the lost…I realise the wetness of my eyes for that scene I left with…that nothing had changed much jus that I now leave my land with not knowing where ma grandma z .. not  huging her ..not holding her for once…when I walk  away in silence with  no strength to look ahead ..i lost it forever tumble-down I stand..emotions sympathy nothing helped me to close the door and depart…..when recovery is nothing beyond a word in dictionary.....when time fails to heal the wound...when lost is prefixed and sufixed with 'forever'...when days and nights still make its in and out....left is life that awaits.....

                                           ..the college going gal has her vacation I realise the sentiments that unfurls the pain of lost....i pique with fate with no pacification nor explanations…..i miss ma days!!!!

Note: the 1st vacation I m here bloging how I miss ma grandma..ma home..ma lyf dr..i realise I gt many choices left…bt nothing substitute the warmth n affection under that roof…   this is something no exceptional penmanship could ever help explaining..there are millions of  moments bestS and the worst I skipped for many reasons..! All thanks to every1 hu hlped me..and thz “…..” dedicated to a great frnd who taught me the same…the inspiration : to all the authors whose books hlped me overcome the  boredom during thz vacation …to every loving hearts there in my hometown I owe u all my whole life...

when heart stops.............

As my last post here was a kind of emotional -serious rated,  seriously i got motivated !  That was a truce for my whimpering about  facing hard times. While incoperating too much of optimism into the post, i nver ever belived i am being prepared for more tough times. Of course i am not covenant with God in that respect and can nver  be! So i dedicate this one completely  for a topic that a 19 year old girl need not bother. But 'the girl of emotions ' can not let it go with no word on it!All that happenz z life  imply the  happenings till death. so what about death,? If birth  is the only day when others smile at your cry, then death is that rueful day when everyone cry at your motionless face.Technicaly death is a state when a body comes  to a non-recovered state of rest forever. Intensely its the time when the soul releases all its power over the body- while the body is left to the rest for relegious procedures where is the soul? ? when each beating hearts mourn does the soul feel the same? when we respose 'rueful' does the lived ones say the same?? where goes the soul??hell or heaven?? Answering these questions leads to a new topic life after death!! It was during those early days when my fascinating mind first asked "pyramids are for dead people????" "Life after death Egyptians have their own beleives carried to generations over the ages" Oh God!!! its toooooo complicated and in the only living planet where every life ends someday we have a regional diversity for defining the life after death!!! Anyway for archeologists its the best piece of cake.( i mean pyramids!!)
                                                                              The obituary in newspaper - so many people die a day!!!! It will never bother neither of us unless we find a familiar, very familiar face among those strange lived lifes. What happens after death is truely mysterious as always. How   reactions should be?? When suddenly a realisation peeps in that an attachment with a life is dettached forever.... mourning is a generalised reflexive response but beyond that when a familiar affectionate, loving heart stops forever how will an emotional heart   response? The innocent thoughts about the varrying cremational procedures may outline the heartbreaking thoughts about the lost. how long will anyone mourn over the loss? Depends upon the depth of the relation you had. It seems Time plays the key role. Time heals the voids is it?? But my explanation says (overstates) Time never fills the void but silence the rest. Perhaps that maintains the balance, but memories!! Memories keep restoring the  thoughts about the loss. Here time could not do much than reducing the frequency. Whatsoever  time does : the moment we realise the truth- the truth that the body before you laid in peace as a corpse is no longer  healthy to hold you, touch you,  voice to you, nor to face you is the toughest of all times. Thus death will never spare the nearby from emotional outbursts. 'riverting to trival things to avoid embarassing emotional display' is always an appreciated ideology but not apt  for the seperation a death cause.Any religion you belive, every religion explains the soul finaly reach god. So great applause to that Ultimate power who controls everything.
                                                                     Hence Life at some point leads to a path , where the above truth haunt you for days , months or years, where you will  witness the familiar face in that side of newspaper, finaly when the dreams or intutions about the (old)  lovely face causes a trepidation in you!! A Life that sprout from birth is accompanied by death and someday it takes the charge, still the moment  a thought of our death stikes we call it 'absurd'. Life finally haults forever leting others face the truth , the cycle continues.  Some where i read, the saints there in Himalayas who gave up mundane life callously (from my view) state death is not the end ; that they can survive after that state..complicated that i leave it there. After every death people cook up a story summarising 'he/she must had an intution about death, her/his  words indirectly reflects  an idea about the death.' So here i am courageously directly talking about death: any of my readers can say ' the girl had made a blog post about death recently or long before' when its time ........... :P
                                                                         Writing  this post was not an easy process, guss that is the power of the topic . It  stole lot of my time unlike anyother posts.......The post completely swivels on natural death and the related, and not anyword about suicides.i had no intention to pass on a negative vibe, instead a senseful  thought!!

It happenzzzzz..............

 Its been queit some time since i have signed in to my blog! after a small break i am back. Back after regaining the normal levels n tracks of my thoughts... To my readers the following post is about n for some personal reasons
                                                         Life is always an unsolved puzzle for me.It teaches you to laugh, smile , cry,grudge and all that. To state and quote there exist thousands and thousands of times i have had all these feelings. All that are piled and named as 'memmories'.Memmories that could cheer me, let my eyes fill with tears, at times make myself feel "how kiddish???!!!""what nonsence??!!" etc.....etc. "Smile" is the most appreciated feel that everyone including me  like to hold on.But neither god nor life nvea let us to keep smiling allways.. "Cry" - is yet another feel that happens with no involuntary impulses.But the stimulating sorrow that  strike down the life  unexpectedly would voulantarly let your eyes fill with the so called salty liquid. I am no1 to conclude that today was the "best day evea" or the "worst day evea" as i hold no  wand that regulate my coming days.Too much of optimism in me somewhere recommends "hey wt if tomorrow is even better". The very same optimist is forced to shake hands with the pesimist to say tomarrows can be worser than todays. I am not in a world-weary state to talk all this. Its the happenings that  realy piqued me to think!! it took some efforts to relax, feel the breaze , smell the air , to think, stay calm and finally to refresh the idea ,ending in bloging the same!!                                                                            When life gifts me the best -worst times its the determinism and strength in me that make me conclude "it happens in life"!! But now dawn and dusk have blessed me with days when i blindly search for my own sound to voice the old ethusiastic conclusion. Where the chatterbox had to give up dissolving into the overwhelming silence. When things go unexpectedly drastic like never before i find nowhr peaceful, none consoling, nothing reliable. may be its the inbuilt trait in every human!!Its the only time i felt despised of loosing the innocence i once posessed . as a recent fb status said 'The times when i feel to refuse the sense of gaind maturity and regain n retain the lilte gal's innosence.........."!!when in journey of life i hav nothng else to do but pray for better and hope for the best!! Where in the stage of life i have no dialogs left no acts assigned but a mandatory posture marking the presence to see the worst, swallow the bitter, stay silent.
                                                                  The hard to digest fact is being pondered among the rest that a disturbed mind is all that i am remained with. It required a fathom observation over my tracks of thoughts to finaly proclaim "everything is part f life". Relating to  books  i read,there exist pages that i dare reading again so is the times/ stages/ roles in life. There is no point in being garrulous, sensitive , emotional (ofcourse in the hearts of heart i am) about tough times. At the end life is defined only as the matter of milestones rather than the huddles crossed, where the frustrations, disturbances , disasters i faced may not even counted for bonous. They are much similar to the shadows in the dark, that hardly anybody cares. Holding the partialy charming smile , i have no  idea when i get releaved to regain the charm. But have regained the optimist to strongly conclude "it happens in life , sometymes to psych myself up".
perhaps its preparing myself  to pretend!!!!!!let everything happens for a bettr tomorrow........
                                                               (I dont know if any1 sensed a pragmatic approch, anyway its my first expedition with my own thoughts and pen!!)