my days!!

…

For some reasons, the so-called sentiments still bound those little little things close to my heart!! I being no better in handling the whole idea of sentiments often end up blaming the rest ...for sowing the seeds of sentiments within me..this story of sentiments for my hometown dates back to the '90s when I was born...born as the first grandchild of both my parents family...recognition for the first grandchild was much greater in mom's family...or I was more used to those pamperings ...it even has a practical justification of dad being abroad ...wotever I m self contented for all those times and thankful for the so gained privileges….the times lyf mnt nthng bt crying for the toys,with innocent wishes or may be a bit pertinacious ones , with no  never ending regrets, with those  familiar souls in the very familiar house...days when I had space for lot of favourites..the changing seasons , rising sun brought to me the day I had to extend my world to include school...the self oriented first std gal would haughtily  proclaim that big house within the blue gates is my home...my home in all respect the only home I ever loved to be in..the house with 4 big courtyards..the land that owned the short-still-growing jackfruit tree...with all my favourites mango trees within….with my jasmine creepers that first discovered the height of the anonymous tree near the well...the badamtree that shed all its badam every morning for me..and all its big leaves  decorating the courtyard...the akeshya that shed its leaves which for some years let me misinterpret the moon has come to earth in groups to my home….I had never felt boredom when in those stages … nor had I discovered a friend somewhere near ..everything in life was defined and initiated within the walls of the big house by the lovely ppl dr..my schooling ..dance classes..music classes..even the talking skills...I never dared to quantify the affection or care I received because none in this world would ever receive so much….i have witnessed the ancestry being grown with the uprising of my cousins..all inherited the toys that their big sis had once used...for that priority, I own I know how much they envy...the home that taught me my likes..rooted my views..told me nothing more but to be a human. .hence that was the place me today was born and belongs to...may be the sentiments for this land is justified and credited to the hearts there..i can owe nothing less than my whole life for those great loving hearts...thus life was indeed great revolving within this land and its inhibitors... fate shifted its tone and told me it  is time to end the haughtiness temporarily ... spellbound me had no choice but to obey...from capital city to commercial capital...life here took turns n twists but the roots of the personality always remained there in that land of mine….with all ma beloved hearts over 300 km away..
                                                           ...the long lost haughtiness now took on its power during every vacation...each time the train speeds towards Trivandrum central through the tunnel near the SL theatre...my heart rejoice..smile lits up..the joy of reaching my land is beyond words...and the1 hr journey from there I m again the lil gal in that big house within blue gates..my grandma all set in the kitchen with her lovely child's favo dishes..and me getting the updates of changes that I missed during the other city life... it wud be impossible to find someone happier than me then... busy wandering through the whole place discovering the growth and death of trees and plants, counting the mangoes waiting for me..calculating the tym wn the tall kanikonna blooms..the number of pomegranate flowers that assure a fruit….the nights... the parijatham wud spread its fragrance making me feel perfectly home .... the never-ending talks..games. trespassing into the nearby govt school n using their ground and park as judiciously as possible...finally the fights for sleeping positions and ending on the floor rather than on the cot.... to add on the near by aunts and the rest with that expression 'oh mole..u came!!"..in simple words, I vl b lost in some other world!!

                                                                                             ..in a world where nothing is constant..i too have witnessed the changes...the heights I attained..the attitude that attuned...from lil gal to the long  hair  studious gal..the flat screen t.v replacing the 20 yr old t.v..a modem finding its position below the telephones …the badam tree being uprooted…. the lovely hearts growing older....so is the house..the family getting dispersed into their new homes..n  jus the grandparents who stayed with the aging house….still festivals celebrations and vacations were in that big home together sharing caring enjoying…its in that designed floor where I stand between my cousins cutting the cake on every birthday...grandma mom and aunts busy preparing sadhya..n it’s there I sit on the centre chair of dining posing for photos enjoying the payasam.. in the midst of enjoying my days there I never found time to think and plan about tomorrows or may be the optimism in me nvea let my thoughts go wild..bt smwr  I realised...now  the wooden sealing no longer scared me…I  can climb up the stairs to the garret all alone…[oh my god that is the only place in the whole house I'm scared to reach ..each time I managed to get in it was with ma grandma..its then I realize this the place where the worlds biggest pots( for the innocence) were used to store the tamarind..this is the place were big garner (pathayam) is kept..this is the place where I could touch the terracotta tiled roof..this is place once I excavated ma mom's childhood photos while grandma was busy catching the lil kitties there….] ..grown enough to own the two-way-entry room when preparing for exams...when there were so many changes,certain paramount customs that never shifted its trajectory ..every vacation wud end up there finishing the mangoes, not letting the pomegranate to fruit( either me or the rest who pluck all the flowers that grandma had guarded) , celebrating vishu, my birthday, finally packing all grandma specials (including my hair oil)..set to depart..i would hug my grandma and cry endlessly  ..not even once in ma whole tvm-ekm journey I remember a smile shadowing my face..i remember no thought that ever reasoned a smile ….

                                       ..the lyf that scurried between the cities was defined by inveterate hope of being home forever!!  Growth is always an inevitable part of life… I sought the necessity to change the time schedules but the sentimental bond in me was already rooted deep in my heart that nothing could ever make me happy leaving home….once in a lifetime it’s the same life that ticks the clock with alarm..with no snoozing its then time to gather the paraphernalia once and for all and put them in the attic of memory!! Here I am in front of the blue gate opening it ..to see the same big house with closed doors..with the canopy of trees crying along with me..i see no familiar faces but the familiar place…I miss my grandma..I miss that smile..i miss that hug… with the heaviness deep in my heart I realize I  have lost the strength to haughtily proclaim nor to stay and answer the silence that prevails…. Perhaps its natural, perhaps something unusual..room after room I went searching for none..bt myself..the old smile in me..the strength …the joy…I realized it was lost..not much had changed all remained in the same old positions..except the people…the jar that still remained in the corner of the shelf had no mango left for me…the pomegranate seems staring at me asking why did u lt me fruit??!!...the bronze statue with skewer still remained near the television..the telephones that once regularly kept calling countlessly to the other city remained silent…it’s the excruciating silence everywhere....i lost a part of me.. sitting in those steps all I could realize was the loss…I realize the wetness of my eyes for that scene I left with…that nothing had changed much just that I now leave my land not knowing where my grandma was.. not hugging her ..not holding her for once…when I walk away in silence with no strength to look ahead .. I lost it forever tumble-down I stand..emotions sympathy nothing helped me to close the door and depart…..when recovery is nothing beyond a word in the dictionary.....when time fails to heal the wound...when lost is prefixed and suffixed with 'forever'...when days and nights still make its in and out....left is life that awaits.....

                                           ..the college-going gal has her vacation I realize the sentiments that unfurl the pain of loss....I pique with fate with no pacification nor explanations…..i miss my days!!!!

Note: the 1st vacation I m here blogging how I miss my grandma..ma home..ma lyf dr..i realize I gt many choices left…bt nothing substituted the warmth and affection under that roof…   this is something no exceptional penmanship could ever help explain..there are millions of moments bestS and the worsts I skipped for many reasons..! All thanks to everyone who hlped me..and thz “…..” dedicated to a great friend who taught me the same…the inspiration: to all the authors whose books helped me overcome the  boredom during this vacation …to every loving heart there in my hometown I owe u all my whole life...