@ twenty!!!

Finally I am twenty!! Its two decades since I am into this world of life. To the people who know me the best can understand the style that I prefer to state the same. this post here may not be the best as its an attempt to explain about myself. To quote my cousins there exist none in ma family who celebrate birthdays like I do.
A customary schedule has evolved without my own knowledge. Color papers, balloons, cakes, chocolates ,gifts , hearing my bdae song being sung by the lil tots in family.. omg it’s a day!! At the end before I call of my day I use to wonder ‘how special they all make my day?’. Its neither my dad nor mom who got to worry arranging things it’s the rest. I even had  celebrated my bdae cutting two cakes together. For all this I am great full to my own fate. That brought me reach my mom on may 6 (the summer holiday.after vishu :P.). May 6 , 1993 :  ‘budha pournami..’ the only day I cried at my mom’s smile.. its then a journey perfectly a roller coaster ride. Now so much happened that I remember some to blog about . to start with I infer from the elder family members that I was damn lazy. And there are few great incidents staring me and only me which once pulled in the whole crowd in and around the locality. Those are the incidents mom still recollects and laugh. Frankly speaking it took few years for me to laugh with her. At times I feel proud of that 2 year old kid in me ‘just royal’ is all her acts! [miss u gal]… I  never made any trail of planting a tree or any such “suggested birthday “ celebrations so far. I never had to go with chocolates to my class. I  never thought of being with mom and dad on this day but always wanted to be with grandma and cousins. I  never bothered thinking how will the day be , its obviously made special. I never bothered helping the ladies in kitchen, its obvious the birthday girl will have her grand sadhya with my favourite payasams. It took 20 years for  me to have a birthday off the customs.  the sentimental revolutions that I had after my grandma’s loss must have helped me digest the change. So finally I found time to make my own present. birthdays were never friends oriented but family oriented until I reached 12^th. [Its in 12^th I first and last had to stand facing my class while they were singing my bdae song..omg! that was so embarrassing I stil remember the mess I made. ] if I am to talk about family celebration one post may not do the task so I think its wise to make my theme shift from the same. Till 5 years I had been a big headache for my mom, I was never impressed by her scary stories that I hardly had any heroes to even think about before doing the kindergarten sins of those days. I appreciate her patience teaching me the rhymes, I hated going to school, I always wanted my own wishes to come true ,no matter wthr  that fit in with others schedule. Still I wonder how did she manage training me good enough to be on stage. Thanks to my mom stage fright was never my trait, from the action song I first presented to the last Malayalam recetition I did in college I owe you the credit. Perhaps then  when I first won the proficiency  in 6^th I myself felt I can be tagged studious too. Well I had no ostentatious like of my classmate as I was the class leader for many years till 9^th. Now this again has to do with my ways I was always belligerent with that noisy section of my class. I was keen on reporting all those to the teachers. And  those childish trait of mine had earned me strong rivalry with boys specially but certain special rights from teachers (like reading daily news in the morning assembly..) .hindi was the only subject I hated to the core. Today  I deeply regret for ignoring my national language until 9^th. From 9^th its again a new era of changes I had more friends ..i was no longer the class leader.. I was off the shoes of leadership then. I  was shifted to the last school where I did both my 10^th and 12^th..to number my 7^th school.

                                 Still confused  , the school had not just helped me get through the so called turning points with smart percentage but lot more. This is the place I  discovered the depth of my crazy ideas …I realised the depth of friendship.. the beauty of gangism.. the real time gossiping .. the passionate competition against the rest.. all thanks to the KASHians… gals damn crazy we were..  hence I can blog about , we made the diary .. we shared the friendship..

                                    To college was another chapter in all respect.. the vacations scheduling was badly affected.. so was my plans in all respects.. 

                                      I never dreamed of owning a blog someday.. but my dreamz were always to reach the sky.. I had never loved anything as much as the stars and the sky. It was my all time   dream to feel the lightness of the outer space.. I have heared people appreciate the uniqueness of my idea. There exist a time when life demands your choice and sometimes we try our best but end up late. All I was sure of becoming was an engineer!! And I surely can be.. that is the holy purpose behind my entry to CUSAT.

                                     Okk.. I am not here planning a dig out strategy about my precious twenty years.. neither am I thoughtful about my gains and losses.. I m indeed talking about the lessons.. now to my blogger friend I didn’t mean to be philosophical or to manipulate the words.. I have to agree there is a limit for any spoon feeding that u n me can get.. life is even adventurous with little little things.. its indeed intresting..sophisticated.. simple..

                                      The expectations!! I expect a lot.. from each silly thing I do.. I dream a lot about every silly plan.. I don’t know how often I picture things before working it out.. may be that is what is called planning.. at times its with this expectations I never come in truce.. to my dearest anti-sentimentalist I don’t know the times we both together tried sorting this out..still I am the same.. the continuum of hard times I had have  a great pillared support of these expectations..

                                         Life at this point grab from me a single compliment ‘its simple’.. its nothing complicated  for me to blog about the dreams.. the traits.. the days.. there were times the peacemaker in me find no way in terms with the optimist.. I am not hilariously proclaiming I overcame all.. but just that you can never be off such times.. at times it’s the loved ones.. may be hug .. may be a smile.. may be a word.. may be look.. I feel relieved.. they does the magic! I don’t know how good I m to others in that role.. at times its just me.. where you keep searching for definitions.. confidence.. strength.. within.. at the end to attain a fine state..

                                              The lost !! Well this has got a lil to do with me.. “never settle for less than your dreams.. somewhere, sometime, someday, somehow, you will find them ”.. I still blve to live for that day.. and the me don’t realy love to accept the lost . for some reason there were very few things I had to give up.. and for those I lost I easily cook up a justification.. most of my wishes being pertinacious (as mom says) if I fail there .. this girl for sure is gonna make a mess!! I don’t either think its fair but the same is a factor for this blog even..

                                                   The change!! Twenty years I can feel the difference in ways,in means, in thoughts, in people.. nevertheless I have learned to adapt.. The walls of my room that once entertained me with countless number of posters( subjecting astronomy) are no more the same.. the logical world of programming is still not encouraging the euthanasia of my great dream...on this 20 ^th birthday I am self-contented with this unusual-nothing special-bday, with the wishes from expected and unexpected, with no complaints about who wished..who didn’t.. when u wished..!!hence with a simple smile I realise it’s the change that time demands..   beyond the science , beyond the logics, pragmatism  has found its flavour in all my doings.

Note: this post may not make a big impact on my readers nor I demand one.. I may not be rich in relations.. may not bother things the way they require.. I m not the omnipotent to rule.. I m just me.. and the purpose of this being “the day when there is more salt than pepper in my hair.. if I find this it may make the RIGHT impact!! “….. :P